Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
