I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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