you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
