Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
