Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
