I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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