My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
