Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
