I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
