Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
A+ Viking dick
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