Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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