Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
