I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
