I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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