Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
