I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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