literally had 100 drinks last night.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
