I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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