I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
