I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm sobbing to NWA
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
