My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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