his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Text me some of your sweat
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
