You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
