I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize