Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
