im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
