My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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