my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
