Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
