Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
