I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
