I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
