It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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