dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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