Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
