I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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