im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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