We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
