you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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