I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
