Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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