Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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