I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
