rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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