I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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