No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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