You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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