You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
