I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
