Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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