Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
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