apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
