In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
