his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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