4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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